Crunk Ain't Dead.... but I wish it were.

"Do your pants hang low
do they sag to and fro
do you never use a belt
do you always let it show
does yo momma tell you boy
you're boxers are just not cool
do your pants, hang, low."

I am in love with the idea that you dress the way you wish to be perceived. If you want to be known as a rocker, you dress up in leather, band shirts, tight torn jeans, and perhaps sport a mohawk. If you want to seem like a hard core street thug, you wear chains, sport team caps, and extremely overlarge t-shirts. I like to think that these things were considered practical at some point, but that point is looong past. Today's topic takes you into the deep dark chasms. A place where every man goes to watch his testosterone die. Fashion.

There's a point...

The fashions of the time are always a staple when it comes to embarrassing conversations with the kids. Ever had that talk to your mom about her neon leg warmers? Maybe you should, lots of laughs ensue. I think that there are some things that we will be very upset with saying, but there are some, like yoga pants, that we will be proud to say we started. We knew what we were doing and what not. Women are probably going to make their kids cringe, while guys are going to look relatively the same as they are older.

No promises for this guy though.

So below I shall give you an example of an embarrassing outfit for each culture that we have. This is going to be fun...

Male Hipster: Not the crossed arms, the tattooed arm, the black glasses and the way too low v-neck. The best accent for this outfit though, is the "I'm too cool to talk to you look." He can probably be found smoking a cigarette in his city "Occupying" it.

Female Hipster: Tattoo, revealing clothing, dyed hair, vintage shirt and pants, daddy issues.

Male Urban (Three Six Mafia): Oversized clothing, a look of pure anger even without cause. Shiny things and nice sneakers. Will look like they were hit with a shrink ray before getting dressed.

Female Urban (Nikki Minaj): Fake hair, tattoos possible, revealing clothing, oversized glasses. Basically the type of girl who shows a large amount of authority and flash.

Female Prep (Paris Hilton/ Barbie): Waaay too skinny, oversized glasses, monstrous expense rate. whistling noises when you blow in their ear. Also very tan and known for the party scene.

Male Prep (Affliction): Think they are extremely hard core. Fake tans, drink excessively, somehow manages to reproduce. You cut them, they bleed gel.




DISCLAIMER: Exceptions to the rule are always known. Any arguments you have on it can be taken up with your future kids. I for one will be pointing and laughing at what I was wearing for sure. Hell, I already do when I look at my highschool photos.

Fairies Glitter, Not Vampires.

So what are you afraid of? Spiders? Snakes? Dinosaurs? Clowns? The lint in your belly button? Perhaps you are afraid of Vampires. Maybe you watch the movies and quiver at the thought of someone feeding on your until you are dead and gone. Perhaps the thought of being taken away and held down to be feasted upon is something that sends chills to your very bone. The kinds of monsters that you would want Blade, Buffy, or even David Tennant to destroy every last one of. Though someone like Blade would quiver at the sight of seeing the Vampires that I'm going to speak of. Buffy would cry to her mother. David Tennant, well let's just say even the Doctor wouldn't be able to handle his girlish screams at the sight of the blood thirsty... The monstrous... The Deadly... EDWARD CULLEN!!

Rawr.

Of all the silly things that pop culture shoves down our throats, this has got to be the worst of it. Twilight is easily the most embarrassing thing I can think of when it comes to fandom and ridiculousness. Now I haven't read the books, so I will not comment on them. For all I know, the books are great and special and blah blah blah, but I did stomach the first movie for you guys. For that, you owe me. 

Quick synopsis for you. In fact, I'll sum up the entire movie right now.

Bella: I love you

Ed: I love you t-

Bella: I love you!

Ed: I... uh I love you to-

Bella: I LOVE YOU

Ed: I lo-

Bella: IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou

Ed: -brooding face-

Bella: -blank I think I just messed my pants face- 

Seriously. Since I do not wish to bore you with just how terrible the actual movie is, I will tell you exactly what we are going to look back on this and deny deny deny. 

Firstly, Glittery Vampires. They will not catch on. When our kids ask about that we are going to laugh. There will never be a question about what happens to vampires in sunlight. They. Burst. Into. Flames. We all know this as a normal part of the mythology. You will never catch me saying to my kids "You know what... Back in my day they did the Vampires right. They wouldn't burst into gory flames like today oh no... They sparkled like broadway on the fourth of July! Now those were the days!" Nope. Never going to say that. 

Next, when you pick a team, you would hope for the side that will win. During the Twilight: New Moon opening and up to the next movie, there was a phenomenon that we all know about now as being shun worthy. I'm talking about the "Team Edward" and the "Team Jacob." Apparently, Bella was supposed to choose one or the other to fall in love with and annoy the hell out of that guy and not the other. This would be fine and dandy if you know the next book hadn't already been out and told who won. It's like watching a rerun on a browns game and betting money they would win. 

Spoiler Alert! He loses.

We should just realize that this is one of those fads that we will look back on and grin and smile. Anyone who was part of this fad will probably not be very interested in pulling out their old Edward Cullen key chains and their Bella "I just crapped my pants face" lunch boxes. So maybe we should just be happy that one day, it will be over and we can go back to obsessing over Harry Potter 24/7. 

Alejandro! Poker face so she goes away!

We've all been there. We have all woken up in the morning and looked in horror at our hair in the mirror wondering how in the world it got that way. We just laid on it wrong, why is it all over the place? Well my theory is that Lady Gaga woke up one day, looked at her own mess of  hair and decided she was good to go. Then she happened to fall into an astronomy kit and decided she was dressed. We can only hope that somehow hygiene was taken care of somewhere in that mess.

Now don't get me wrong, Lady Gaga is probably one of the most talented musicians I've ever heard. She has the voice of Christina Aguilera, and the provocativeness of Madonna. Sure, she may get drowned out by europop and bass, but when I saw her perform Paparazzi on the piano, she almost brought a tear. She's genuinely talented. Sadly though, we are going to look back on her and cringe.

To start off with the Gaga turmoil, imagine your son or daughter looking through old albums on the internet and stumbling upon Gaga. "Oh I know her, she sang that one song right?" Well yeah, we wouldn't be that upset at all, but when they watch the video, they are going to cock their heads and look at you like you are a crazy person. What's going on in this video? Oh I think she's dancing next to dead people. Here? Oh I think she's being forced to take a bath. Why are her eyes big and why is she dancing with that white suit on? Oh........... Shut up it was a different time.

The woman strapped meat on her body as a dress once, she has been hailed as a fashion icon and she wore a meat suit. Does anyone else think this might come back and bite us in the butt? We laugh at our parents for those ugly neon colors and for wanting to wear Michael Jackson's bright orange jumpsuit, yet we are going to worship the ground of a woman who dresses.... in.... meat.

Oh Look Ma! Aunt Bessie is on the TV!

It's not even really her that is quite all that embarrassing. It's the "Little Monsters" as well. By followers, I'm not talking about the gay community, I'm talking about the nut jobs who are dressing up like her. It's semi ok for her to do it because she's on stage and a celebrity. I don't think Mary Sue down the street is going to wear a red veiled jumpsuit to school and not get beaten up. It's all quite bizarre and I can find many instances that will make Madonna's Boob Cones look like they were the most cultured thing ever made.

Now for the latest fiasco. Her alter Ego that she is currently working on. What? She's literally dressing up as a man, refusing to answer to her name, and wore a prosthetic penis that she continuously grabbed onto during the whole night. Did she do this at a shoot? No. A music video? Yes and No. This was at the VMA's. The Video Music Awards. The effing Music Awards! Nothing is more of an eyesore than an attention sucking starlet who has decided to utterly confuse everyone. Even people in the gay community were a bit turned off by it.

Type of Bending not shown: Gender

End point. Gaga is a great musician, pianist, actor, director, writer, and overall idealistic person. The problem is that when you are trying to make a point, make your point. I don't talk in latin to people I want to hear me speak for a good reason. If they don't hear your point then you might as well not have one at all. Perhaps someone can decipher a few of her outfits for me. That Red Veiled one that she wore at the MTV awards would be quite appreciated.