Crunk Ain't Dead.... but I wish it were.

"Do your pants hang low
do they sag to and fro
do you never use a belt
do you always let it show
does yo momma tell you boy
you're boxers are just not cool
do your pants, hang, low."

I am in love with the idea that you dress the way you wish to be perceived. If you want to be known as a rocker, you dress up in leather, band shirts, tight torn jeans, and perhaps sport a mohawk. If you want to seem like a hard core street thug, you wear chains, sport team caps, and extremely overlarge t-shirts. I like to think that these things were considered practical at some point, but that point is looong past. Today's topic takes you into the deep dark chasms. A place where every man goes to watch his testosterone die. Fashion.

There's a point...

The fashions of the time are always a staple when it comes to embarrassing conversations with the kids. Ever had that talk to your mom about her neon leg warmers? Maybe you should, lots of laughs ensue. I think that there are some things that we will be very upset with saying, but there are some, like yoga pants, that we will be proud to say we started. We knew what we were doing and what not. Women are probably going to make their kids cringe, while guys are going to look relatively the same as they are older.

No promises for this guy though.

So below I shall give you an example of an embarrassing outfit for each culture that we have. This is going to be fun...

Male Hipster: Not the crossed arms, the tattooed arm, the black glasses and the way too low v-neck. The best accent for this outfit though, is the "I'm too cool to talk to you look." He can probably be found smoking a cigarette in his city "Occupying" it.

Female Hipster: Tattoo, revealing clothing, dyed hair, vintage shirt and pants, daddy issues.

Male Urban (Three Six Mafia): Oversized clothing, a look of pure anger even without cause. Shiny things and nice sneakers. Will look like they were hit with a shrink ray before getting dressed.

Female Urban (Nikki Minaj): Fake hair, tattoos possible, revealing clothing, oversized glasses. Basically the type of girl who shows a large amount of authority and flash.

Female Prep (Paris Hilton/ Barbie): Waaay too skinny, oversized glasses, monstrous expense rate. whistling noises when you blow in their ear. Also very tan and known for the party scene.

Male Prep (Affliction): Think they are extremely hard core. Fake tans, drink excessively, somehow manages to reproduce. You cut them, they bleed gel.




DISCLAIMER: Exceptions to the rule are always known. Any arguments you have on it can be taken up with your future kids. I for one will be pointing and laughing at what I was wearing for sure. Hell, I already do when I look at my highschool photos.

The Real Housewives of Jersey Shore's Big Flavor of Love

I try my very best to write about things that perhaps somewhere deep down I can find some sort of reason as to why it's popular. This next topic though, boggles my mind. When you sit down on your couch after a long day and want nothing more than to be entertained, what is it that you look for? Cartoons are normally a pretty good choice in what to watch. Sports are an excellent thing to get obsessed about to forget your daily grind. Now while these are rather entertaining and understandable, I wonder... Where the hell did these reality shows come from and what the hell makes them so addictive to people?

 

"Let's see what's on Tv that will make my brains leak from my nose."

The reality Tv show genre became large thanks to a fun show called Survivor. Basically, we take people from the states, and drop them in a place where there is no running water, no electricity, no safety from bugs, and no way of escape. You know, Kenya or something. The show gained huge amounts of success watching these people trying to acclimate to the harsh environment, battling each other in order to win 1000000 dollars that Kenya would have much rather have. 

First World Problems comes to mind here.

 

Ok, Survivor had danger and stakes and intense moments where people were actually getting hurt. It makes sense that that was made pop culture. I'm sure the question that we will be asked when we are older is just how did JERSEY FREAKING SHORE become popular?

If I wanted to watch over tan people yell at each other, I'd go to the beach parking lot. The intellectual capacity of all the cast together doesn't even scratch the surface of the child that will be asking you about it. Watching this show is like watching a couple of drunks on the side of the road that enjoy peeing on each other. Snooki..... Just let that roll on your tongue for a second... Snooki and The Situation. You know what, I'm putting this to bed, point made, I win.

They have your money though so they win...

 

 

My point is simple. Reality shows takes things like Teen Pregnancies and being trapped in a house with other people like some glorified battle that needs to be told to the world. How bout instead of giving these stupid people our money, let's watch documentaries of ACTUAL people who have amazing stories. Ever seen a reality show of a homeless shelter helping people? No. Seen a show that has a girl getting a party that could put the academy awards a run for it's money? You know it. I weep for the future of television.

On a plus note, because I love you all.

because it is the internet.

You're a Jerk. And you look it too.

If you remember highschool dances, you remember that there are a slew of different skills based on where you live and who went to your high school. You have the ones who seem to take hip hop classes constantly, twerking and jerking so much that you think that the dude is about to hurt someone really badly. They may even get enough space to do a little break dancing, flipping around and spinning upon the floor like the end of inception.

Then we get those guys who try reeeeeally hard and want to do the dances that are going on, but end up making things awkward and embarrassing for everyone. They turn the 2 step into the 18 step, twitching and stomping around as if they were incapable of holding a rhythm if there was a drum beside their head being slammed against it. I like to call these people.... seizures. 

Now Seizures were constantly getting beat on by their other counterparts, laughed at and forced to stand alone flailing to the music with their Seizure dates. But wait! Hope came on the horizon!

Because everyone needs a hero.

Ah yes, the Soulja boy "Superman" craze. In 2006 or so, his little youtube dance exploded into the market. Every single dorm room guy and girl wanting to score some cool points were learning this song. No one could really mess it up. The moves were so simple and catchy and ridiculous, that it became the electric slide of the generation. Of course, the boy is forever a one hit wonder.

Now throughout the generations there have been variations of dance, the electric slide, the twist, the hanging ten and what not. Each have their own levels of embarrassment to the generation, but those moves were rather simple and calm compared to the spazzy stuff we've come up with ours.

Your kids will be so proud that you will still be able to do this

So this one may have been annoying and probably the most iconic of the dances, it wasn't exactly the first. 

We have the Lean With It, where you twist your self and snap... Trying to look tough doing that or even remotely cool is something of a challenge... 

We have the Crank that EVERYTHING. Spiderman, Yank, Forrest Gump, Spongebob, you name it we got it!

Crank that Scooby Doo wasn't bad I guess.

My own personal favorite dances was the 2 step, you hop side to side crossing your legs. Should be called the Hopscotch, but that just wouldn't be "Hood" enough. 

Another rather fun dance that will be remembered will be "The Jerk" Or as I like to call it, the "Backwards Running man" It involves a rather catchy and annoying song to go with it, and a rather strange assortment of skin tight pants. 

Thought I was kidding... didn't you.

Alright, so I know that many of these dances will probably fade into the distance and you won't have to atone for the sin that is this form of music, but I'm sure that if those songs come on and you start dancing, your kids will move out all that much quicker. Oh and to leave you off on a good note, have fun explaining this guy to your kids

Fairies Glitter, Not Vampires.

So what are you afraid of? Spiders? Snakes? Dinosaurs? Clowns? The lint in your belly button? Perhaps you are afraid of Vampires. Maybe you watch the movies and quiver at the thought of someone feeding on your until you are dead and gone. Perhaps the thought of being taken away and held down to be feasted upon is something that sends chills to your very bone. The kinds of monsters that you would want Blade, Buffy, or even David Tennant to destroy every last one of. Though someone like Blade would quiver at the sight of seeing the Vampires that I'm going to speak of. Buffy would cry to her mother. David Tennant, well let's just say even the Doctor wouldn't be able to handle his girlish screams at the sight of the blood thirsty... The monstrous... The Deadly... EDWARD CULLEN!!

Rawr.

Of all the silly things that pop culture shoves down our throats, this has got to be the worst of it. Twilight is easily the most embarrassing thing I can think of when it comes to fandom and ridiculousness. Now I haven't read the books, so I will not comment on them. For all I know, the books are great and special and blah blah blah, but I did stomach the first movie for you guys. For that, you owe me. 

Quick synopsis for you. In fact, I'll sum up the entire movie right now.

Bella: I love you

Ed: I love you t-

Bella: I love you!

Ed: I... uh I love you to-

Bella: I LOVE YOU

Ed: I lo-

Bella: IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou

Ed: -brooding face-

Bella: -blank I think I just messed my pants face- 

Seriously. Since I do not wish to bore you with just how terrible the actual movie is, I will tell you exactly what we are going to look back on this and deny deny deny. 

Firstly, Glittery Vampires. They will not catch on. When our kids ask about that we are going to laugh. There will never be a question about what happens to vampires in sunlight. They. Burst. Into. Flames. We all know this as a normal part of the mythology. You will never catch me saying to my kids "You know what... Back in my day they did the Vampires right. They wouldn't burst into gory flames like today oh no... They sparkled like broadway on the fourth of July! Now those were the days!" Nope. Never going to say that. 

Next, when you pick a team, you would hope for the side that will win. During the Twilight: New Moon opening and up to the next movie, there was a phenomenon that we all know about now as being shun worthy. I'm talking about the "Team Edward" and the "Team Jacob." Apparently, Bella was supposed to choose one or the other to fall in love with and annoy the hell out of that guy and not the other. This would be fine and dandy if you know the next book hadn't already been out and told who won. It's like watching a rerun on a browns game and betting money they would win. 

Spoiler Alert! He loses.

We should just realize that this is one of those fads that we will look back on and grin and smile. Anyone who was part of this fad will probably not be very interested in pulling out their old Edward Cullen key chains and their Bella "I just crapped my pants face" lunch boxes. So maybe we should just be happy that one day, it will be over and we can go back to obsessing over Harry Potter 24/7. 

Alejandro! Poker face so she goes away!

We've all been there. We have all woken up in the morning and looked in horror at our hair in the mirror wondering how in the world it got that way. We just laid on it wrong, why is it all over the place? Well my theory is that Lady Gaga woke up one day, looked at her own mess of  hair and decided she was good to go. Then she happened to fall into an astronomy kit and decided she was dressed. We can only hope that somehow hygiene was taken care of somewhere in that mess.

Now don't get me wrong, Lady Gaga is probably one of the most talented musicians I've ever heard. She has the voice of Christina Aguilera, and the provocativeness of Madonna. Sure, she may get drowned out by europop and bass, but when I saw her perform Paparazzi on the piano, she almost brought a tear. She's genuinely talented. Sadly though, we are going to look back on her and cringe.

To start off with the Gaga turmoil, imagine your son or daughter looking through old albums on the internet and stumbling upon Gaga. "Oh I know her, she sang that one song right?" Well yeah, we wouldn't be that upset at all, but when they watch the video, they are going to cock their heads and look at you like you are a crazy person. What's going on in this video? Oh I think she's dancing next to dead people. Here? Oh I think she's being forced to take a bath. Why are her eyes big and why is she dancing with that white suit on? Oh........... Shut up it was a different time.

The woman strapped meat on her body as a dress once, she has been hailed as a fashion icon and she wore a meat suit. Does anyone else think this might come back and bite us in the butt? We laugh at our parents for those ugly neon colors and for wanting to wear Michael Jackson's bright orange jumpsuit, yet we are going to worship the ground of a woman who dresses.... in.... meat.

Oh Look Ma! Aunt Bessie is on the TV!

It's not even really her that is quite all that embarrassing. It's the "Little Monsters" as well. By followers, I'm not talking about the gay community, I'm talking about the nut jobs who are dressing up like her. It's semi ok for her to do it because she's on stage and a celebrity. I don't think Mary Sue down the street is going to wear a red veiled jumpsuit to school and not get beaten up. It's all quite bizarre and I can find many instances that will make Madonna's Boob Cones look like they were the most cultured thing ever made.

Now for the latest fiasco. Her alter Ego that she is currently working on. What? She's literally dressing up as a man, refusing to answer to her name, and wore a prosthetic penis that she continuously grabbed onto during the whole night. Did she do this at a shoot? No. A music video? Yes and No. This was at the VMA's. The Video Music Awards. The effing Music Awards! Nothing is more of an eyesore than an attention sucking starlet who has decided to utterly confuse everyone. Even people in the gay community were a bit turned off by it.

Type of Bending not shown: Gender

End point. Gaga is a great musician, pianist, actor, director, writer, and overall idealistic person. The problem is that when you are trying to make a point, make your point. I don't talk in latin to people I want to hear me speak for a good reason. If they don't hear your point then you might as well not have one at all. Perhaps someone can decipher a few of her outfits for me. That Red Veiled one that she wore at the MTV awards would be quite appreciated.

Intro.

OH HELLO!!! Do I have your attention yet? Good! I have a question for you. When you are older, how cool will you be? Will you still be the head of the internet world? Will you still be in the forefront of the media? Or will you do what everyone else does and cling to the media pop that was in style during your early adult years, I.E now? Well if you pick the second, CONGRATULATIONS! You are going to be just like those that came before you, wishing for the days over your own version of the Neon Spandex and side pony tails! Maybe you will be old and wishing that Britney Spears was still touring, or wondering whatever happened to Maroon 5. Maybe you will be fauning over your old calenders with the LOLcats on them. Telling your kid that you want to "Haz Cheezburger." We are in the moment of the times right now, and so we don't see how potentially embarrassing these things are yet, so I'm gonna show you!

Some of my topics are going to be blatant. You are gonna be hopping in your chair pointing and laughing because you know that someone else is going to be embarrassed by that! Face it, we are all bad people on that front. I am however going to have some topics that is going to make you stare at the screen appalled with a look of "OMG" on your face. You will then promptly come into class the next day, pick up your keyboard, and show me how you REALLY feel about it. Should be fun!

"What did you say about Harry Potter?"

OH! And another thing. If you like what it is I say, then by all means, share it around. I'll do what I can to keep it all interesting with topics that you will find fun to talk about. If you have anything that you want me to tear apart, or perhaps even defend, then by all means leave a comment and I'll give you a fun review. 

Our Generation is a bit embarassing.

Soulja Boy. Case and Point.